Slam Dunk

Believe It or not, but I used to dream as a little kid. I used to have an active imagination that was constantly thinking outside the sphere of reality. Can you believe that? The man who writes all of these blogs you all love so dearly used to have a wild imagination as a child.

Here’s the deal; I used to dream about basketball. My basketball aspirations began to heat up during my junior high years. At the time I was 5’2”, 125 pound, four eyed monster with a calling for basketball. I didn’t question if I would make it to the NBA when I fanaticized, the only question in my fantasy was how awesome would I be? My parents and teachers would tell all of the boys who played basketball there was a very high chance that we would not play in the NBA when we got older.

“What the hell do they know,” I smugly thought to myself.

Well it turns out a lot but at the time I could not see any alternative career path. I was off in la-la land nailing a three pointer, at the buzzer over Michael Jordan, in Game 7 of the NBA Finals. I read a Sports Illustrated article about Kevin Garnett who was primed to make the jump from high school to the NBA. Kevin Garnett was the trend setter for high school athletes and I thought, “If he can do it, so can I.”

The biggest problem with my fantasy becoming a reality was my inability to slam dunk a basketball. I assumed it would just be a matter of time before I rose above the rim. I kept playing and working on my vertical jump with the belief that one day all the years of hard work would collectively come together. Yeah, that day never came.

Even in high school when my vertical jump was amazing, I was never able to dunk. I could touch the rim and that was about it. In high school, my basketball dream began to fade with NFL dream taking on a life of its own, but that is a whole other story. With my NBA career put on the back burner my Sportscenter highlight of winning the slam dunk competition didn’t seem as appealing.

Years began to pass and during those years I never picked up a basketball, and when I did it did not involve fierce competition. The other day while I was in the gym I caught ESPN and for no explainable reason I thought about how I never, in my life, slam dunked a basketball. Furthermore, to add more salt to the wound, this morning I had to play basketball against other members from the Battalion.

It was this morning I realized just how far I had fallen. The NBA is not in my future, ever. Never slam dunking a basketball is about as sure of a bet there is; it’s not 100%, but I’d bet the farm. I’m still in relatively good shape for my age, better than average, but I am not even close to touching the rim now. If anybody knows of a surefire workout regime, to GUARANTEE the ability to slam dunk a basketball, I’d give it shot.

That folks is my shattered dream.



I also want to bring it to everybody’s attention that the frequency of my blogs will begin to dip a bit. I’ve decided I’m not a great writer but by no means am I a bad writer. However, I really enjoy writing and want to attempt to make some money doing it. I’m in the process of reading the writer’s guidelines for multiple magazines to see what it takes to get published. Hopefully, if all goes well, I can make some sort of future out of writing. I’m looking for feedback, positive or negative, what do you think?

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Family Vacation

I love going on vacation and more than that, I love giving my family a fun time. As a husband and a father, I feel when I deliver a vacation both my wife and kids approve of, that means I’m doing a good job. Since October, Celia and I were fortunate enough to take three top-notch vacations, Paris, Rome, and Disneyland in Paris. By traditional standards that is an obscene amount of vacationing. I feel comfortable when I say most people would be more than happy to visit any one of those three vacation spots for an annual vacation. Celia and I live in Europe though and the ability to travel the world is very economical. We know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, which is why we are taking full advantage of everything Europe has to offer. There is one piece of vacationing which rarely gets mentioned; vacationing is stressful.

The thought of vacationing is great, when discussing vacations to friends and family phrases such as “it was great” or “we had such a good time” are frequently said, and the memories that revolve around vacation are unforgettable. That is the way it’s supposed to be but I’m here to be a dark cloud for the time being.

It is just my opinion, but I believe far too often people get wrapped around the idea of experiencing storybook vacations, waltzing around a beautiful city without a care in the world, or a new place in the world to have sex in. Remember, this is simply MY opinion. If somebody goes on vacation like this, failing to do the slightest bit of planning, the level of frustration will be immeasurable. That is why Celia and I, being the experienced travelers we are, plan – Which in itself can be very stressful.

How much should we spend? How should we travel, the train or fly? What time should we leave? How many diapers should we pack? What sights do we want to see? What kind of hotel do we stay in? Do we pay for an extra room for the kids to sleep in? How are we going to fit clothes for four people into two suitcases?

Do you get the idea?

Our goal is to attempt to plan everything out to eliminate, I’m sorry, I meant to say reduce the number of fights we have in the future. It’s inevitable, at least one small fight will occur on vacation. In Paris, Celia and I had our small fight as soon as we arrived to Paris in October. As we stood in the center of the Paris EST Train Station it occurred to us we hadn’t the foggiest idea how to use the train system. A stupid fight occurred and thus we learned a lesson, that lesson was we agreed to not rush once we arrived in Rome for our Christmas trip.

We learned so much from our Paris vacation that Rome was almost perfect. The lesson we took away from Rome was three nights was our limit with Jadon and Hailey. We spent four nights in Rome and on the fourth day Jadon and Hailey let both Celia and I know that we would never do another five-day vacation. The unavoidable meltdown came halfway through the fourth day, with both kids pitching a monumental fit. I can only imagine my kids screamed in unison, “Yo! Mom and Dad! We are seriously pissed off and want to make this as miserable for you as it is for us!”

We saw so many sights in Rome that by the end of the trip we were completely exhausted, exhausted to the point the fun had almost vanished. With the kids reaching their breaking point it no longer felt like we were on vacation. It should be no surprise that by the end of the trip all Celia and I could think about was how much we wished we were back home. Also, I somehow was constipated in Rome which I learned doesn’t make vacation fun. My diet was wine, beer, and pizza. How I became constipated is a medical mystery.

Last night we returned from Disneyland in Paris, which I think was the best vacation yet. We were fortunate to travel with another family, the Tribby’s. Going back to when I was a Platoon Leader, Todd Tribby was in my Platoon. Since that time we still talk and our kids get along very well together.

To say Todd loves Disneyland would be the biggest understatement of this blog. His extensive knowledge of Disney and prior visits were everything Celia and I lacked. It did not come to a surprise to either Celia or I the plan for Disney was more solid than our previous two vacations.

Of the three vacations, the Disney vacation was the least stressful of the three. Both Jadon and Hailey avoided the inevitable meltdown. This is largely credited to the fact that Todd and Toxey’s children more than kept Jadon and Hailey entertained. It was a win-win for everybody. Celia and I loved the fact we went on vacation with another family because their kids practically watched our kids. Todd and Toxey loved the fact they came on vacation with us because our kids kept their kids entertained.

Additionally, Disneyland suited the kids much better than Paris and Rome. There were bright colors, a Buzz Lightyear ride, and Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. Jadon watches Playhouse Disney every morning. At first when he saw the Disney characters he was scared and did not know what to think, but by the end of the trip, he knew exactly what was going on. He didn’t see a person dressed up as Mickey Mouse, he actually saw Mickey Mouse right next to him as he ate his chicken nuggets. What more could a little boy ask for?

I have a quick question I need to ask. At 5:00 p.m. every night, Disneyland held a Once Upon a Dream parade. On the back of one of the floats was Ursula, from The Little Mermaid. A thought went through my head. If The Little Mermaid were made into a movie which consisted of real people, who would play Ursula? Think really hard about whom you would cast as Ursula.

To close this out, vacation is stressful but the stress is worth the happiness the vacation produces. The moments of uneasiness are short and over in no time. Would I endure another small fight at the train station for the chance to kiss my wife on top of the Eifel Tower again? Absolutely. Would I go another 4-5 days of being constipated to step inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and be left speechless? As painful as it would be, I wouldn’t even think twice. Even though there was nothing stressful about the Disneyland trip, there is nothing in this world that could replace Jadon’s smile when he realized his Disney friends were right before his eyes. Like I said, I love going on vacation and more than that, I love giving my family a fun time.

As to my question I posed earlier, whom to cast as Ursula? There is only one possible option. Rosie O’Donnell. Nobody else comes close.

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College Football & The Flawed BCS

I’m writing this strictly from the perspective as a college football fan, something that is never taken into consideration by top executives anymore.

Back when I was younger, New Year’s Day was on the same level as Christmas morning for me. I would wake up, early in the morning, and know a full, uninterrupted day of college football was ahead. It was beautiful for anybody who loved football. TV stations not known for broadcasting football games televised games; ABC, CBS, and NBC virtually had the entire day dedicated to college football. I would hold the remote control in my hand and flip channels seeing college football on many channels. It was the ultimate day for college football fans. College basketball has March Madness, with multiple games played all throughout the day, and years ago college football had one day similar in comparison. To me, those were the glory days of the college football bowl season.

Somewhere along the way, college football fans were robbed of their beautiful New Year’s Day. I do not remember the exact year but I believe the trend started when I was in 8^th grade, the 1995 football season. The majority of games still played on New Year’s Day but there was one game in particular moved to January 2^nd; Nebraska vs. Florida for the national championship game. This was the trendsetter for college football. The following year the Orange Bowl was held on New Year’s Eve with games getting moved to the left and right at a rapid pace.

Along with stretching the college football bowl season over two weeks an absurd amount of bowl games were introduced. Each year produced more and more bowl games allowing more teams to become bowl eligible. In the glory days I referenced above, playing in a bowl game rewarded a team for successful year. Now, there are so many bowl games that half of the teams in Division IA are eligible to play in a bowl game. To me, the value of becoming bowl eligible is not what it used to be. If a team finished .500 with a 6-6 record they are eligible to play in a bowl. Why are we rewarding mediocrity? This is on par with giving all kids trophy’s after a game, not keeping score during a game, or everybody’s a winner – and do not even get me started on that! As a society we continue to reward being average. There is no reason why a team who finished .500 should play in a bowl game. I’m an Iowa State, they finished .500 this year, and I still hold true to my opinion. I must say this one more time, we must stop rewarding mediocrity!

I’m not blind to what happened. There is too much money to be made over the bowl season, and money talks. Speaking of money, that leads me to the BCS.

Remember, I’m writing this as a true fan of college football.

As long as I can remember I heard many college football fans lobbying for a playoff in order to determine a true national champion. For too many years arguments could be made that two teams should be national champions: 1994 with Penn State & Nebraska, 1997 with Nebraska & Michigan just to name a few. The compromise for this was the Bowl Championship Series, or the BCS. By using human polls and computers, the wealthy, who claim their top priority is to give the college football fans what they want, believed the BCS was the answer to every fans prayer.

I believe I speak for the majority of college football fans when I say the current system is flawed. The most noticeable problem is the inability for smaller schools to get the respect they deserve. Over the last decade, schools like Boise State, Utah, etc. have done an excellent job recruiting, thereby turning their football program into an elite program. The problem is these schools do not play in a major conference, i.e. SEC/Big 12. The BCS noticed this and allowed for smaller schools to receive “At Large” bids into BCS bowls. Unfortunately for the smaller schools, if they do not start the preseason high in the rankings they stand no chance of playing for the national title. This is old information to anybody who has even the slightest knowledge about college football; and I’m fully aware there is a whole lot more I did not cover.

Here comes what has really been under my skin. Last year, Alabama had an amazing team. They were one quarter away from beating Florida in the SEC Championship to play in the BCS National Championship game. Alabama’s reward for an amazing year was an invitation to the Sugar Bowl against Utah, a small team from a small conference. Alabama played in the mighty SEC, which caused everybody to believe this was a classic mismatch. Guess what happened? Utah showed Alabama how to play football. This small school that had no chance of winning defeated a team that was one quarter away from playing for the national title! The problem with this was Utah won. The other problem was the BCS became extremely aware the “small schools” could play football. Just a few years before Utah defeated Alabama, Boise State defeated the mighty Oklahoma Sooners who played in the Big 12. A scary truth was staring the BCS and the major football conferences in the face; money could be lost if these small schools continued to play in the top money games.

This is my college football conspiracy theory.

This past season was a beautiful year in college football, one that I felt more than proved a playoff system must be implemented. Alabama, Texas, TCU, Boise State, and Cincinnati all finished the season undefeated. Florida only had one loss, to Alabama, in the SEC championship. If ever there was a season to cry playoff, this was it! The Rose Bowl already had two teams by keeping the tradition of the Big 10 vs. the PAC-10. Qualifying for BCS bowls were Alabama, Texas, Cincinnati, Florida, Boise State, TCU, Iowa, and Georgia Tech.

There was no denying Alabama would meet Texas for the title, but with the rest of the games, I felt some serious controversy could develop. I wanted to see TCU play Florida, Boise State play Iowa, and Georgia Tech play Cincinnati. If TCU and Boise State played two proven schools, from two proven conferences, and won, it would cause the confusion I longed for.

Instead the BCS took the easy way out. TCU and Boise State played one another, which proved absolutely nothing. Every fan knew both schools were two of the best programs in the country. The beauty of the bowl season is to watch David vs. Goliath, to watch Utah upset Alabama, not to watch David vs. David. The BCS took the easy way out. I believe, with what transpired in past bowl seasons, the BCS believed both TCU and Boise State would win their respective bowl games. The media and the college football world is in love with the SEC, so the fallout of a SEC program, like Florida, losing to a small school would be catastrophic. If both Boise State and TCU had been allowed to play major programs, and won, the college football world would not be allowed to ignore them anymore. Instead of giving the fans what we wanted, the BCS gave us TCU vs. Boise State. Thanks but no thanks.

Do you see the conspiracy here?

By stretching the bowl season out for two weeks, introducing bowls like the Humanitarian Bowl played in Boise, Idaho, and allowing for the wealthy to determine the bowl schedule has severely hurt the beauty of college football. A bowl game played in Boise, Idaho. Really, I mean really? I’m sorry if I offended anybody who lives in Boise, Idaho but I trust you get my point.

I guess the last question I want to ask is, what ever happened to what the fans want? Aren’t we the ones who actually generate the revenue?

Agree or disagree?

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Snip, Snip

The thought of a vasectomy sends chills down my spine. From the time I first heard of the procedure I developed a deep fear of it. I convinced myself it was a modified version of prohibited capital punishment that somehow slipped through the cracks of the legal system. I always thought women were the worst when they referenced the procedure. I would see women wear an evil smile as they would make scissor motions with their hands; the words “Snip, snip” would roll off their tongues as if they somehow won a nonexistent war. In my eyes, there was nothing glorious, triumphant, or logical about a man succumbing to a vasectomy.

Women do not understand nor do I expect them to understand. A pair of testicles is more sensitive than any woman could ever imagine. I’d venture to say most men reading this cringe at the very thought of accidental testicular violence; let alone to schedule a vasectomy, willingly.

It’s my opinion some men, with deep patriarchal ties, feel they somehow lose a portion of their manhood with the inability to reproduce. I’m not one of those men; I’ve reproduced and can check that block off of my “to-do list.” My fear is the thought of so many medical instruments “doing work” on my area. I’m uncomfortably maneuvering in my chair at this very moment at the sheer thought of “snip-snip.”

Celia and I began discussing permanent birth control options as soon as Hailey was born. We were both about 90% certain we were done with the baby making business, with nothing more to prove. We were the proud parents of two babies, both who were healthy, and possessed more beauty than Greek Gods. Something very important to note is just because Celia and I began discussing a permanent fix did not mean we were anywhere close to a solution.

There would be times one of us would casually bring up the idea of having one more baby. Obviously there were pros and cons to both sides of the argument. Both of us were proven parents; capable of loving a child in the way every child deserves. The biggest setback Celia and I faced involved me missing the birth of both Jadon and Hailey. It saddened me deeply I was unable to be present for their emergence into the world. I really wanted to there with Celia to welcome a baby into the world more than anything; we constantly went back and forth on that issue. However, in the end, for reasons that do not need to be discussed, we decided not to add to our family.

I assumed the next step involved Celia to schedule an appointment to get her tubes tied. There were two things that stood in the way. The first was baby fever, and Celia had it, hard-core. A few people we know learned they were pregnant, and like that, the negotiation door opened again for baby talk. I quickly put a stop to the talk, “Honey. We made our decision for a reason and you know it was the right decision. (Hugging her now) I’m more than willing to keep practicing though.”

Little did I know the second thing that stood in our way involved me, not Celia. Celia felt it made more sense for me to have the surgery than her.

“How do you figure,” I asked.

“Andrew! My recovery time will be six weeks,” Celia pleaded back.

“Ok.”

“If you get a vasectomy it will hurt you far less than me.”

“And you know this from experience?”

“UGGGHH! I love my husband,” she whispered.

“I don’t know how you can talk about my balls getting cut off like it is such a trivial matter.”

“Andrew! They’re not going to cut your balls off.”

That conversation went on for a while, and on more than one occasion. In the end, guess what happened? Celia won. I’d like to tell everybody I fought the good fight; but in the end, I did not have the staying power, Celia did. I was about to embark on a chain of events that would forever change my life.

“Urology. How may I help you?”

“Hi! I’d like to schedule a vasectomy,” attempting to sound as casual as possible.

I met with my physician for a routine visit. We sat together in the examination room and I somehow felt small in comparison.

“So you’re wanting to get a vas, huh,” my doctor asked, breaking the ice.

“That’s right Doc. It’s time I start shooting blanks.”

“Well don’t be nervous. It won’t be done today and you don’t even need to drop trou either.”

Something told me in medical school, when vasectomies were covered, my doctor was taught to be light-hearted because that is exactly how the beginning of the conversation went. Our meeting was a formality; I still needed to go to the hospital the following week to meet with the surgeon and schedule a surgery date.

One week later I was seated in a waiting room of the Urology wing eyeballing a room full of men who thought the same thing I felt, “What in the hell am I doing here?” I was under the impression there would be some type of privacy, and by that I believed I would meet with the surgeon by myself. That was not the case. A nurse entered the waiting room and requested we all follow her down the corridor to the surgery room. Upon entering the room a janitor finished mopping the floor and exited. As the janitor exited a guy snickered, “Were you mopping up the last guy that was in here?” We shared an uncomfortable laugh.

I wish I had a video camera inside the surgery room. There was approximately a five-minute wait for the surgeon and while we waited there was not a single word spoken. I had my hands inserted into my pockets, with my head down, as I sized up the room. Why did I do this? I don’t know, but there were a lot of other guys who behaved much the same way I did. Finally the surgeon entered the room and I immediately thought, “I hope he knows what he’s doing.”

The thing I learned from meeting with various individuals in the vasectomy world was most have a good sense of humor. Perhaps they realized they chose a very gloomy profession and the best way to counteract misery was with laughter.

My surgeon then said, “I’m sure you’re all wondering how this is going to happen. You’ll actually all be lined up in the hallway with your pants around your ankles and I’ll go right down the line.”

What’s funny is for a brief moment I forgot why I was there. The humorous approach worked on me. I made my way down the reception office to schedule a surgery date with the receptionist, who did not have a sense of humor.

My surgery date will be on February 1^st, which happens to be Hailey’s first birthday. How funny is that? I know there is a profound meaning to my surgery date landing on my daughters first birthday but I’m not quite smart enough to know what it means.

The word eventually got out to our friends and family that I would be going in for the dreaded be-all-end-all man surgery. Jokes would be told and laughs would be shared, all at my expense. I said the only thing that could possibly be funnier than getting the “snip, snip” would be to discover Celia was pregnant after the surgery.

Well. . .

It is most definitely meant to be. Keep reading for updates.

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