The Tortures of Parenthood

Last night, Celia and I lied in bed and celebrated Valentine’s Day like most married couples do, we watched TV. We managed to spoil the kids a little bit and had a delicious family dinner together, but after the kids went to sleep, the two of us couldn’t wait to lie in bed. On an average evening Celia and I will put a random disc of Friends on, engage in small talk, and fall asleep. We’ve both seen every episode of Friends so many times that neither one of us pay much mind to the episode, typically falling asleep within 15-20 minutes. Valentine’s Day was different; Valentine’s Day was special.

Both Celia and I love watching Jack Bauer save the country from countless terrorist attacks on 24. The only problem with watching 24 is Celia is not caught up with the current season; in fact, she is a full season and a half behind.

Last night, in honor of Valentine’s Day, Celia and I watched 24: Redemption, the made for TV movie between season’s 6 and 7, made to bridge the gap between seasons due to the writer’s strike. About an hour and a half into the 2 hour movie, the rebel forces of Sangala captured Jack Bauer after he singlehandedly killed about a dozen combatants. The funny thing though, leading up to the fighting and during the fighting itself, Celia and I made jokes about how the Sangala militia picked the wrong American to kill.

“Yeah right. Like they’re going to break Jack Bauer,” laughed Celia.
“I know right. The Chinese tortured Jack for more than a year and he never said a word," I said back.

After two hours of watching Jack Bauer’s made for TV movie, Celia and I were jonesin’ for more Jack. We watched a few episodes of 24: Season 7 until we fell asleep, well past our bedtime. The last thing we agreed upon, before falling asleep, was being closely associated with Jack Bauer is hazardous to your health. Whether you are a friend or foe, there is a strong chance you will end up dead, well before your time, if you associate with Jack Bauer. Hypothetically speaking, if I worked at CTU Los Angeles with Jack Bauer, and I went to visit the doctor for my annual physical, the doctor would most likely come back with a diagnosis that would sound like, “Mr. Romick, I’m sorry to inform you that you are terminally ill and do not have much time left to live. You’ve been in close proximity of Jack Bauer, and unfortunately, at this time, there is no cure.”

Reviving my love for 24 made me think about torture this morning as I played with Jadon and Hailey. I have a game I play with the two of them; with Jadon the game gets a little rougher, simply because he carries a Y chromosome and loves to play hard. The game is called “who do you work for” and is a method of torture for young children.

The concept of the game is simple; I sit on top of Jadon, hold his arms behind his head with one hand, and tickle the daylights out of him with the other hand. Jadon begins to laugh uncontrollably, his face turns beet red, and sometimes he will toot when he loses control of his bodily functions. In the midst of the madness I ask Jadon, “Who do you work for?! Who sent you?! Was it Mommy? Did Mommy send you?! Do you work for Sissy? Did Baby Sissy send you? Tell me who you work for!”

I stop tickling Jadon for a few seconds, just long enough for him to catch his breath when I ask him in a calm voice, “Who do you work for?” Very rarely will he not answer; most of the time he will say the name I ask the most during the “interrogation.” The point to the story is it is very easy to break Jadon. Torture = tickling when it comes to Jadon. However, Jack Bauer made me think about myself. How far would I be willing to go? Realistically, have a cat lick my feet, somebody tickle my stomach, and I’ll sing like a canary.

The one problem with my method of torture is the student is rapidly becoming the teacher. On more than one occasion, when I’m on the floor, Jadon will come from nowhere; sit on my chest and say, “Daddy, play game.” He will begin poking my chest and say, “ork for…ork for Daddy,” obviously intending to say “work for.” I’m not Jadon’s only target; his mother and sister are fair game too. He’s gotten on Hailey to coerce a confession out of her. I don’t know if he wanted Hailey to confess to playing with his toys, but Jadon still asked her, “ork for Sissy?”

To enhance Jadon’s ability to torture, he already knows who Jack Bauer is. If Celia or I are watching 24 Jadon will say, “Honey, (he calls Celia ‘Honey’) it’s Jack Power.” What more can I ask for as a father?

Rocky Balboa – Check
Jack Bauer – Check
Professional Wrestling – Check

Oh the joys of parenthood.